Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   WOW!!! I bought an umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. Now on the way to buy a pack of condoms !!!

   At one point yesterday, the whole world was on Twitter...except for Trump.

   Who else thinks the Brandon should be 2021 man of the year?

   I was going to dress up like sleepy joe this year for Halloween, but my head would'n't fit up my arse.

   My wife thinks I’m crazy. But I’m not the one who married me.

   In what world does a box of macaroni and cheese serve 4 people?

   I'm so dumb, I thought Johnny Cash was a pay toilet.

   I end all my sentences with "Just saying.." because ending them with "You Idiot .." would probably be considered offensive.

   The only thing that stops a bad actor with a gun is a good actor with a gun.

   At the end of the day, a man who identifies as a woman is still a man who identifies as a woman.

   I normally don't brag about exspensive trips but I just got back from the gas station.

   My wife asked me with loving eyes, "What did I do to deserve you?" I responded, "I'm guessing something horrible in a past life!"

   Dog the Bounty Hunter says it's not him. Increases reward to a Million dollars.

   Got fired for being too early

   LGBTQ = Let's Get Biden To Quit

   “I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

   Today is nation Sloth day, it should of been yesterday, but they didn't get around to it.

   What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer

   Walk of shame Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up

   Why isn’t there a shortage of workers trying to sell me auto insurance?