Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Capt James T Kirk just told you the world isn't flatt .

   If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbours are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

   Someone tried to tell me I was a vampire once but I checked the mirror and just couldn’t see it!

   Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns

   After you eat an edible there is a specific moment in time after which you may not post on Facebook.

   When you see all these luxury rich homes and ur wallet says no....I'll just gonna build a house in minecraft 😤

   Biden is opening up the borders, wow what is it that this guy can't do "wrong"

   Space, the final frontier for William Shatner who's 10-minute mission to seek out stranger new publicity for Jeff Bezoses Space Program. To boldly go where only a few million Tourist have gone before!

   I prefer to have s€x in the dark not because I'm afraid to see bodily imperfections. It's because I don't want to see her nose hairs.

   I didn't mean to gain weight, it just happened by snackcident

   Saying "I fell in love with a dictator" is something I will never say in my life.

   Imagine you're a NASCAR driver, your name is Brandon, and someone asks you to define the most pivotal moment of your career.

   Does anyone know when Boy Scout cookies go on sale? Thanks.

   [being chased by a murderer] can we slow down I’m not wearing a bra

   I would like to die by being waterboarded by a soft serve ice cream machine.

   Happy Indigenous Peoples' Day everyone! If that offends you then too bad for you.

   Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.

   If you're going to mess around with opioids - overdoses happen, and usually Narcan until it can't.

   It's sad when I search, "Delta variant", and all but one are about the airline.

   Whether you're a woman or a straight man, taking a bra off is likely to be one of the high points of your day.