Funny Status Messages

   I have finally come to the conclusion that it's not the drink that causes hangovers. It's the sleep.

   I’ve been that, done that, had that, lost that, needed that and felt that. Just a few of the many reasons why I always drink to “that”.

   Weekend forecast: feasting, imbibing and severe debauchering!

   Hey bartender, pour me another, I see ugly people.

   I'm not ashamed of my vices. They're good friends actually. They bring great joy!

   Everything happens for a reason. That's why I drink to everything!

   If you're an influential person but you do not help anybody, you're ignorant.

   if you're an influentail person but you do not help anybody, you're ignorant.

   Whenever you can't think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I've been thinking about killing you."

   If an old person talks about their siblings, ask if they're the oldest. No matter what they say, respond "No, I meant oldest in the world?"

   I swear my wife buys sports bras just to piss me off...

   People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.

   What's it called again??? Oh Yeah, BOOZE!!!

   Volcanoes. ........earths pimples

   If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things that I keep to myself!!

   I need a matchmaking service for socks...

   Can you guys believe some people get paid to advertise products on their Facebook page? That's crazy. Almost as crazy as the intense rush of energy I get after drinking Monster's new Triple Strength Xtra Max Energy Shot™.

   #Remembers #A #Time #When #People #Used #To #Write #Without #Using #This #!

   What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest? A rabbi cuts them off and a priest sucks them off.

   Alcoholism is a disease. That's why I feel entitled to use the handicap parking spaces when I'm drunk.