Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Get out of my dreams and into my car. Get out of my car and into my bed. Get out of my bed, and out of my house. I gotta be up early.

   I'll start believing porn story lines as soon as a dog jumps on the bed and licks someone's ass.

   since i'm not having much luck with the ladies, maybe I'll give that Pope gig a try...

   You can tell a lot about a person by the results of their autopsy.

   By the time I've said "Nice to meet you" I've already forgotten your name.

   Which Pope was your favorite going into the combine? ESPN said the Cardinal from Canada runs the 440 in 52.47 seconds and that's with full vestments and a sex abuse scandal dogging him!

   Finally nailed my girlfriend and her twin last night You know how I tell them apart? Her brother has a mustache.

   If you're a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?

   Please be rude to your waitstaff because spit and pubes taste delicious when sprinkled on your food.

   "That's not what I meant" - people who meant it that way but realized they're wrong

   How many slutty and nude pics did it take you to get that many friend requests?

   A black guy called me a disgrace in front of his girlfriend, but then I realized he was introducing me to his girlfriend Grace.

   Drink like you're not on medication.

   Blood is thicker than water but chocolate is thicker than both of them.

   This cup is so good, I now know why coffee got it's own table in the living room

   Hell hath no fury like a woman who's status you did not like...

   my buddy asked to borrow my phone. I gave it to him and said "check out that ball scratcher app I downloaded!"

   This "doing nothing" lark is hard work, how am I supposed to know when I'm done? :(

   my signature move is to get her too tangled up in the sheets to escape.

   I was at the bank machine the other day and an old lady approached and asked me to help check her balance.....So I pushed her.