Funny Status Messages

   I've heard of women that aren't crazy ... but I've also heard of unicorns, so whatever...

   Ghetto Olympics: On your MARK.........Get SET.............TWERK!

   in honor of it being 3 days into spring and so cold we will be barbecuing Punxsutawney Philly steak and cheese tomorrow

   Sometimes when i'm following a recipe and it says to bake at 350 degrees, I will turn it up to 355 just to be a rebel. don't be hatin!

   I wonder if Medusa ever just relaxed and put her snakes back in a ponytail?

   4 horrible facts: Today is not Friday. Tomorrow is not Friday. The day after Tomorrow is not Friday. Even the day after that is not Friday.

   It’s funny how the people who know the least about you, always have the most to say.

   I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.

   There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!

   Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells F&CK really loud then people scurry like mad.

   ny psycho girls wanna hang out? Just text me like 5000 times and let me know.

   When I start my drinks, my di&k does all the thinking..

   If you’re camping and you have WiFi, you’re not camping.

   Grammar: The difference between knowing your s&it and knowing you’re s&it.

   My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.

   I live for two reasons… 1. I was born. 2. I haven’t died yet.

   Women, when it comes to doggy style, men are behind you 100%

   This guy next to me is giving me the get off your phone and drive look.

   I wonder if I'd get kicked out of an AA if I pulled a Jeff Spicoli and ordered a pizza to it.

   Watch your wedding video backwards. You'll love the part when you take your ring off, walk away from the altar, & leave with your friends.