Funny Status Messages

   Whiskey and Ambien. When you absolutely, positively, have to wake up naked on your neighbors lawn holding a mailbox.

   Hey person calling from a blocked number, I'm not answering...... Ever.

   I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding, driving Kia's all around town. No wait..... Hamsters, I hate hamsters

   I want to be reincarnated as a lesbo. I can still eat p ussy plus I get to hit from the ladies tees!

   (overheard in Horse-ville)....."All in favour of this-here horse for president say Yea"... *silence*.... "All those opposed say Nay"... And that's why Horse-ville has been without a president for over 200 years ..

   Don't let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.

   25% vegetarian.

   ᵀʰᵉ ʷᵒʳᵈˢ ᶦᶰ ᵗʰᶦˢ ˢᵉᶰᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵃʳᵉ ʳᵉᵃᶫᶫʸ ˢᵐᵃᶫᶫ⋅

   The Cowboys just signed a "No Super Bowl for six more years" contract today

   North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has declared war against South Korea, saying 'we will make them pay for Psy and his Gangnam Style"

   "Im not materialistic or superficial".....says the girl who goes shopping to cheer her up

   I just read that Lindsay Lohan is headed for rehab. It's like 2008 all over again. Or 2009. Or 2010. Or 2011. Or 2012

   my real name is Yosef Boots. My meat is so small it looks like a clit with a kneecap!

   I don't respect a woman if they have sex on the first date, unless it's with me.

   Sometimes, I'll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it'd be cool if you moved out Amy."

   so I'm guessing Ashley is either a girl that dumped your pathetic ass or a hottie that stole you boyfriend? You're a loser either way..

   It's Friday... Of course it's good : )

   Pay no attention to the device around my ankle.

   It might be Friday ...... BUT.... SUNDAYS COMING!!!!

   I think next time I'll go ahead and press "2" for Spanish. Maybe I'll actually get someone who speaks English better than the person on the "English" damn line.