Funny Status Messages

   War with North Korea looming. Cast of M*A*S*H have their fingers crossed

   So any1 else think our's is the only nation involved every year in a war since inception? Wow! Coincidence? Or blood thirst.?

   Most haters are stuck in a poisonous mental prison of jelousy and self doubt that blinds them to their own potential.

   And with the official start of baseball season today, the Chicago Cubs have already been eliminated from the playoffs.

   You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. You can, however, make a pretty decent ham wallet.

   A watched pot never boils, but an un-watched pot boils over, so I don't know what you want from me life!

   Every sentence is a sexual innuendo if you think long and hard about it.

   Why deny yourself a pleasure now for the hope of adding a few miserable nursing home days at the end?

   Gun control is like trying to reduce drunk driving by making it tougher for sober people to own cars.

   This Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.

   Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.

   I'd call you a cun t, but I actually like cun ts.

   Do some people just wake up one day and think, "I already have 2 bumper stickers, why not 70?"

   The three most terrifying words a woman can utter to a man are "notice anything different?"

   There is no game if you refuse to play.

   When you want to say you've missed them but can't bc it'll restart all the b ullshi t.

   Half of the times the purpose of my smile is that I want to make some people worried.

   Most kids today wont understand the joy of playing with the telephone cord.

   Apparently I didn't use enough As*hole repellent today!

   I must confess...I want to get back with my ex..LOL just kidding! I would rather Sh*t in my hand and clap!!!