Funny Status Messages

   North Korea is becoming like that one person on your friend list that always threatens to close their FB account from lack of attention...

   I am bacon level happy.

   The after Easter prices of Cadbury Eggs and Peeps are one of life's simple but not quite free pleasures.

   I just downloaded the bible on my I-Pad. Now I have a good excuse to bring my I-Pad into church!

   scoopable cat litter makes me feel like the worst gold miner ever!

   Everything has gone to hell ever since Dennis Rodman visited North Korea, I wonder what he told them

   Just sat up to reach for the TV remote. My abs are going to be crazy sore tomorrow!

   A study shows that breast implants can cause nausea and dizziness…from all the free drinks.

   Girls: All guys are a*seholes!. Me: Nooo they're not, I'm right here!!!! :(

   I just launched a new fragrance! - a great way to announce a fart

   Sick of having to go to 2 different huts to buy pizza & sunglasses.

   I don't argue with people who I can remove from my life by pressing a button.

   In a relationship you'll find either your soulmate or your cellmate.

   Are rectal thermometers filled with Freddie Mercury?

   Ever been so hammered you open up a box of Frosted Flakes thinking it's a jigsaw puzzle of a tiger?

   Being a d*ck, isn't going to make yours bigger.

   Try this... Whenever leaving fancy restaurant tell the people coming in "I recommend you try the donkey, snail or the squirrel".

   I'm a pair of skinny jeans short of a mid life crisis

   Let's be Sonny & Cher....I'll get old and show everyone my a$$, and you can ski into a tree and die.

   I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.