Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When tyranny becomes law rebellion becomes duty

   My wife and I do it Doggy Style. I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead.

   Imagine you in heaven eatin' yo daily bread and the devil walks by with Popeyes.

   The weather is such a slut. The wind blows everyone, the rain makes everyone wet, the sun makes everyone take their clothes off, and the snow covers everyone in white stuff.

   Shout-out to Mother Nature for not giving snakes wings...

   Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue

   Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.

   The booster protects against what, now?

   Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.

   It's been said we will see the Bengals in the Super Bowl when hell freezes over... Well, here we go.

   I get nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.

   Sometimes I stay awake at night wondering… How long did it take Cinderella and the Prince to realize you can’t base a relationship on shoe size.

   Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.

   The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.

   Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.

   If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified

   Hi, my name's Mike. Mike Unstinx.

   I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

   IDC WHAT ANYBODY SAYS, it will always be naturally funny whenever the song Promiscuous comes on in a grocery store...

   We don't care how much money you have, how many cars and homes you own or how popular you are. Get past the dying part and then we'll be impressed.