Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I have to wear a mask to protect your health, I’m gonna slap that McDonald’s outta your hands too.

   YouTube video: "How to stop procrastinating." Me: [Add to Watch Later]

   Me: I'm not getting the Covid vaccine because I don't know what is in it. Also me: Ooooooo..... The McRib is back!

   Hello welcome to marriage anonymous." Hi, I'm Todd. It's been 12 years since my last decision. I had an independent thought yesterday that I almost said aloud but I called my sponsor and we talked through it & I stayed quiet!"

   I can hear those folks stuck on that snowed-in, 55 mile stretch of I-95 in northern Virginia: "But we love the seasons!"

   So...you've been eating hot dogs, chicken nuggets and other processed meats all your life, but you won't get the shot because you don't know what's in it????

   It's so ironic that they keep calling us sheep, yet they're the ones taking medicine from the petting zoo.

   My dog wishes everyone a Merry Christmas. Fleas Navidad.

   How much would a wood chuck would chuck if you pls shut the hell up? 😀

   The least knobby dot, the least knobby dot, the least knobby dot for annual quantum police thee dot… or whatever that Spanish Christmas song is saying.

   Forget about the past, you can't change it. Forget about the future, you can't predict it. Forget about the present, I didn't get you one...

   Now that I have lived through an actual plague, I totally understand why Italian Renaissance paintings are full of naked fat people laying on couches.

   Old Age comes at a really bad time. Once you finally know everything, you start to forget everything you know.

   And in Technology news, even though 2022 was expected, Apple has announced the coming year will only be 2021s.

   Women seem to want security. At least that's what they yell whenever I come near them.

   What's with everyone calling it "Holiday decorations" back in my day, we called it a little something like Christmas.

   If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.

   The only difference between the New Matrix movie and the old ones is that the Red & Blue pills are now suppositories

   It must be extremely hard to be a Nigerian lawyer who specializes in international inheritance law.

   Realizing his horrible mistake, Judas bitterly hurled his half-eaten Klondike bar into the sea.