Funny Status Messages
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"I bet you're the kinda girl who likes the strong, silent type, aren't you?" ~ best way to announce passing gas in an office setting while avoiding sexual harassment charges ツ 
Taylor Swift: Relationships Are Like Traffic Lights … Maybe I’ll Be Single Forever.
It's a thankless job, but apparently I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Ladies; Go bra less, it takes the wrinkles out of your face!
When Billy Joel is singing "I Don't Want Clever Conversation I Want You Just The Way You Are". Is he replying that she's stupid?
I resent the term alcoholic, I prefer the term spiritual.
April showers bring May flowers. And May flowers bring...pilgrims!!!
I skip the ads on free apps so fast they could be for free crack and I wouldn't know it!!
Fellas, if you're wondering if the carpets match the drapes.....there is no carpet.
It's not considered an accessory if your Chihuahua is prettier than you are.
Apple is coming out with a 60 inch flat screen, and now I have to explain to my son why community college is good enough.
One good thing about Twitter is that it keeps all annoying people away from Facebook.
I'll go back to FB when they replace that "poke" button with a "spank" button.
B*tch, you're not high maintenance. A Ferrari is high maintenance. You're just a pain in the ass, like an old Pinto.
While Everyone Was Kung Fu Fighting, I went out and bought a gun.
Ugly people who live in glass houses…shouldn't live in glass houses.
If I ever fall onto the bar stool next to you and give you an exaggerated wink and a Fat Albert "Hey hey hey!", rest assured you got hit on.
BBC: North Korea's Kim Jong Un threatening nuclear attack against US. CNN: North Korea may be a nuclear threat. Fox News: Obama causing problems with North Korea
Bet if a gunman opened fire while Obama was onstage yesterday....he would use them as human shields!! Kinda like he is doing now!!
You know it's getting warmer out when the sales for women's razors goes up 200%. 