Funny Status Messages

   Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell.

   I bet John Lennon would have loved online transactions. Imagine all the PayPal...

   Orlando: The next spic ruined part of Florida.

   I don't like it when peoples toes look too fat for their toe nails. Sick.

   I know every day is a gift, but where's the receipt for Mondays? I want to exchange it for another Friday.

   I will not only make you say my name, I will also make you spell it!

   I've dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

   I bet the man who discovered milk felt awkward when he had to explain why he was doing that to a cow in the first place...

   it sucks when you forget to shake the ketchup and you get the gross juice all over your fries..

   nothing makes you a hypocrite like becoming a parent...

   I will take a dose of my own medicine...But I will also chase it with a shot of tequila.

   It isn't considered littering if you throw your beer cans out the window after spotting the police. I call it disposal of evidence but the law calls it tempering with the evidence.

   When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.

   Any hedge can be a maze if your drunk enough.

   You would be better prepared for the day if each morning, the first thing you do is remind yourself that nobody gives a sh I t.

   I love you so much I increased your life insurance. Now shut up and lets go camping in the bear-infested woods.

   Starting my prune juice and baked bean diet tomorrow

   I have an immigration plan all americans will support. The hot chicks are allowed to stay. The fat chicks and the guys get sent back to Mexico.

   I listen to the first 30-45 seconds of a butt dial like I'm an FBI agent in a surveillance van.

   "Pay attention to me when I'm ignoring you" - Women