Funny Status Messages
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You should say, People neither hate you for your weaknesses, nor for your your strengths; they hate you when you're needy and clingy. 
You shouls say, People neither hate you for your weaknesses, nor for your your strengths; they hate you when you're needy and clingy.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Holding someone accountable is a form of love, too.
I think Taylor Swift should walk in while Kim Kardashian is in labor and say “Hey, Kanye, I know you’re having a baby and all, but I just wanted to say that Beyoncé had the best baby of all time!"
looking for a good retractable leash. when I walk my turtle I hate when it gets to far ahead of me
A rainy Friday is still better than a sunny Monday...
Watching a program about apes trying to make it in the real world. Wait no, it's "Keeping up with the Kardashians".
You have to get along with everybody. You're out-numbered.
7 Billion people, 14 billion Faces.
I went on a blind date last night. She had crabs. Good thing she was wearing fish net stockings.
If life is a b*tch then make sure yours is a good looking one!
People rarely hate you for your weaknesses, they hate you for your strengths.
5 out of 3 people struggle with Maths.
And if I had a gun, with two bullets, and I was in a room with Kanye West, Kim Kadarshian and Internet Explorer, I would shoot Internet Explorer twice.
Nothing makes you feel more alive then standing on a grave.
Flavored condoms? What's wrong with pen*s flavor?
I wish this weather would make up its mind. I don't know if it's safe to shave my pubes or not...
I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
"Hello 911?" "There's a guy on TV that wants me to feed kids in Africa 15 pennies a day and I'd like to file a complaint... Yes, I'll hold." 