Funny Status Messages
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I hate when I’m all nice and snug in bed and my girlfriend is all like "Baaaabe I forgot my iPhone in your truck"......... 
the brain controls body movement....i just picked up my drink with my hands therefore I used my mind to do it....i have magic powers
Only small children can get to sleep by counting sheep. The rest of us have to count our problems, mistakes, debts, relationship issues, enemies then eventually cry ourselves to sleep.
Today my eight year old daughter told me Bieber is lame, and I was so happy!!! THANK YOU GOD!!!!!
I hate when I take a day off from the gym and it becomes lifestyle
Just slipped in the shower and accidentally made a new Lil Wayne song.
You only stalk the person you think you don't deserve.
My favorite workout routine is putting my phone in my pocket and taking it out every 30 seconds.
Stand for what you believe in. Or sit on the couch and have a couple of donuts. It's a free country really.
guess how many people gave up looking for work and started selling heroin.
Person is typing... Person is typing... Person is typing... Person is typing... Person is typing... Person is typing... Person says: hi
When a woman says "I have my reasons". What she really means is "I don't need a reason I'm a woman".
Top tip: Cereal is less fattening if you don't butter it.
maybe vodka is addicted to ME
Nobody talk to me until I've Instagrammed my coffee.
Taylor Swift should write a song called "maybe I'm the problem"
I would've never gotten married if I'd known there would be chores.
When I'm bored I like to put on my red polo shirt and khakis, then storm into the nearest Target and quit.
Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?
I was walking down the street and saw a ugly pregnant lady and I though ... Good for you ! 