Funny Status Messages
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My woman is basking in the glow of my majestic presence=My woman is enjoying the shade provided by my enormous belly. 
When I'm on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left the diamonds on an Island, look for clues on my FB!.....", just to get them to read all the jo kes i've posted.
If your grandma's furniture is wrapped in plastic... Well it's probably because she's a squirter...
My legs are so white, they just applied for a job at whole foods
You're entitled to your opinion and I'm entitled to judge you for it
Yeah marriages are cool and all, but have you ever heard of something called freedom?
had a job as a bartender once at a lesbian bar, but was fired after turning too many women straight.
"Kicking ass and forgetting names!" - Alzheimer's Fight Club
I tried to be normal once. Worst sex I've ever had in my life.
I just go on Facebook to see who's pregnant.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, "Could you watch the kids for a minute?" and runs.
All these tornados need to aim better ---------> Westboro Baptist Church
there's a big difference between being handicapped and just f*ucking lazy...
When pharmacist gets sick....... Does the doctor give him a taste of his own medicine?
i think the secret of walking on water is knowing where the stones are.
♪ ♫ ♩ ♬ I dont want to wake up, I'm a sleepy head kid. Theres a million things I need to do but I want to sleep in. ♪ ♫ ♩ ♬
I-knew-you-were trouble when you logged in. So shame on me now-Inviting me to games I-would-never-playyy...Til you pissed me off-Ohh!! , Ohh!! Trouble, Trouble. I knew you were Blocked when you logged in.
My car was stolen last night..I was going to call the police but then I thought 'nevermind...I'll let him try explain the bodies in the trunk...'
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
People are like snowflakes. I only like them on Christmas. 