Funny Status Messages

   ***BREAKING*** Jodi Arias found GUILTY of 1st Degree Murder, Now lets find them 3 kidnapping brothers guilty too!

   I need a break is the new I'd rather not ever speak with you again.

   my stomach growled and made the exact noise a dodgeball makes when bouncing off the fat kid.

   For the price of a one year membership to the gym, I can replace my entire wardrobe with larger clothes

   Like-A-Good-Neighbor-Charles-Ramsey-Is-There... with SALSA MUSIC!!! ...and RIBS!!!!

   All day I've been getting calls from the number "1"... I finally answered it and NO ONE was there.

   I wish I could of been locked up in a basement for 10 years. I could of missed Jersey Shore and that whole Bieber Fever thing!!

   I had an Aquarium store once, It tanked though....

   Did you hear about the circus fire? It was In-Tents!!

   When two Egotists meet, it's always an I for an I

   I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I am over it now.

   Holy Water Recipe: Boil the "Hell" out of it!!

   It just dawned on me that Flo from the Progressive commercials is somebody's Aunt.....

   Lady, your thighs need a divorce.

   Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

   The TV remote, the G-spot and black dads. Some things are just made not to be found.

   If she starts screaming things you’d only hear in a Pitbul song during sex. You’re doing it right.

   Show me on this doll where the shower curtain touched you.

   Can’t wait for when evolution gives women bigger hands, so that they can cuddle with themselves after sex.

   I think the perfect situation for the three Castro brothers that kidnapped those girls. Have them share a cell with Jodi Arias.