Funny Status Messages
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My cats can't drive. But, that doesn't stop me from sending them to the store for more booze. 
Never trust a woman who doesn't b*tch about everything.
What makes you think I put my pants on one leg at a time?
Single ◽ Taken ◽ Vodka ✔
FYI - Police say Boston Marathon bomber has been buried in undisclosed location. Hopefully wrapped in bacon with a Bible on his chest...
if you read the Bible backwards Jesus is crucified, develops a large following, and then a lot of horrible things happen to people. Oh wait that happened after the bible too...
~ I bet Mediocrities was the most average philosopher ever (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ
there vodka in your pillow fort? Then no, I won't be attending
Fun thing to do # 58: 1. Stand outside restaurant. 2. Wait for someone to ask if you're the valet. 3. Say yes.
To all the waiters out there: we don't get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
Late to bed and early to rise, Makes you groggy and F$#ks with your eyes
"Couples wearing matching outfits is a hate crime".
Before the Internet I could just move to a new state and start my high school women's gymnastics coaching career all over again.
Parenting tip: If you beat one child with the other child you can tell the Cops that they were just fighting each other .......... You're welcome.
I like to eat at Brazilian restaurants because there will be no hair in the food
n't sending a girl to drama class kind of like sending an Irish kid to drinking lessons?
yesterday my five year old Hawaiian son used the word taint and I asked him where he heard that word and he replied "Walmart"
The baby laughing alone in the back of the vehicle at nothing in particular goes from adorable to creepy after only a couple miles.....
My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...
Some dude is stealing my status updates He hides it well by changing all of the words and the topic, then making it interesting or funny. 