Funny Status Messages

   Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.

   It's been said we will see the Bengals in the Super Bowl when hell freezes over... Well, here we go.

   I get nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.

   Sometimes I stay awake at night wondering… How long did it take Cinderella and the Prince to realize you can’t base a relationship on shoe size.

   Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.

   The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.

   Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.

   If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified

   Hi, my name's Mike. Mike Unstinx.

   I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

   IDC WHAT ANYBODY SAYS, it will always be naturally funny whenever the song Promiscuous comes on in a grocery store...

   We don't care how much money you have, how many cars and homes you own or how popular you are. Get past the dying part and then we'll be impressed.

   Happy to say that I'm losing weight like crazy! And if you want to know how I did it logout of Facebook.

   Brady has decided to remail in Florida after retirement because of the low inflation there.

   Life has to be about more than just solving problems

   Why do Troubleshooting Guides always have a resolution for every problem except the one you are having?

   My wife is a wild animal in bed. And by that I mean she's more afraid of me than I am of her.

   So Justin Trudeau has Covid. I'll bet he feels like he's been hit by a truck.

   there a tax I can pay to end Covid-19 or does that only work with Climate Change?

   Last year my friend left for Paris to go to Mime school and was never heard from again...