Funny Status Messages

   I kinda just had kids to have somebody to watch cartoons with.

   Dear car dealerships; whoever told you we like shouting commercials lied...

   When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.

   Baby cows all over the world fear for their Mothers as McDonalds gears up for the next Monopoly game.

   What wine goes well with 16 Advil?

   why as a man would you tell a woman, your welcome on mothers day ... for malin this day possible like we dont get our own holiday called fathers day you silly guy

   Turns out, I have a 4.6 billion year old sun... I am gonna see him tomorrow morning.. wow amazing

   Happy Mother's Day to all the teen moms who just released a back door p0rn video this week.

   It's been a good Mothers Day only negative is mom didn't finish the 7 pound omelette challenge so she had to pay for breakfast.

   Over 12 people shot at a Mothers Day parade in New Orleans today. Such a messed up world we live in.

   I feel sorry for my poor dog today. He is really sad :-( He wanted to spend Mothers Day with his Mom, but he doesn't know where that bit ch is.

   After 31 free samples,, I decided I wasn't really in the mood for Baskin Robins

   Today's the perfect day for ribs and Salsa music.

   Just throw a J in front of the KKK and no one will take them serious.

   I am as nervous as Oscar Pistorius's mother on Mother's Day.

   To all the Moms: "Happy Mothers Day"! And to all the Dads: "Happy Sunday.. Mother Fu€Kers"!!

   Long distance relationships are great cuz you get to date other people in the interim.

   Women! They assume everything but the position.

   I love how my George Foreman Grill separates the grease and fat, so I have something to dip my burger in.

   Everyone is a professional runner when I'm chasing them on the sidewalk with my car.