Funny Status Messages

   Internal Revenge Service

   ME: Mom, I finally found a job! MOM: Great!,, What is it? ME: Debt collections.. MOM:... ME:... MOM:... ME: So, I think you know why I'm calling

   The new legal DUI limit is .05, but if you're dyslexic, the limit is 50.

   Every time you refresh your timeline less than 5 minutes after checking it, it should say "Maybe you should try making friends"

   First rule of the women's club: listen to us. No no, respect us. Wait no, love us for our mind. Hmm no...I CAN'T MAKE UP MY MIND.

   Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I'm like, "Nope. I'm good."

   I am afraid to make eye contact with women who shave their eyebrows off and draw them back on.

   According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low...Well, sure, it's hard to steal a car when the owner's living in it...

   Girls, if you don't look like a Victoria's Secret Angle, don't expect us to care what you think about what we look like.

   What do you call a woman with no gag reflex>>>>>>>>>Wife!

   Boys, if you don’t look like calvin klein models, don’t expect us to look like victoria secrets angels.

   Rosetta Stoned: When you get so high you think you can speak a different language

   Got a tattoo that's says "mom". My mom got a tattoo that says "what". We're tattoo texting.

   I would put a webcam in my shower to make extra money, but I would hate having to only sing public domain songs.

   I'm glad there's an "international" sign for choking, because a foreign speaker might think you were just wildly signaling for a turtleneck.

   WAIT, the kids in Weird Science made a perfect woman, but she was still able to talk?. Ahhhh,The innocence of youth.. (wife not looking,, hits send)

   You know what they say. So I guess I don’t have to tell you.

   The best reply to "I love you" is "Well that's a terrible idea."

   One of these is not in my bed right now: 3/4 Empty 1 Liter Crown Royal Bottle... Online FB Friends... Lap Top... Cold Pizza... Vaseline Jar... Naked "Bridget the Midget" Blow Up Doll... Me... Self Respect

   Has anyone found my black box yet? I'm kinda curious to see where it all went wrong?