Funny Status Messages

   has pants that say Snickers on them because they are packed with nuts and they always satisfy.

   Shout out to all the Amish people reading this status..........................BUSTED

   I lay nude daily in my back yard just in case Google Earth decides to update.

   There's more to Alcohol than life!!!

   Next time your sit at a McDonald's playland and a parent asks you, "Which one is yours?" Say, "I haven’t picked one out yet!" It's worth it.

   People don’t realize how hard it is to write stupid things on a regular basis.

   I'm at my sexiest when it's last call and you're pi$$ed at your boyfriend

   When I visit someone's house: Them: It's so good to see you! How've you been? Come on in! Blah bleh blah... Me: What's your wifi password?

   why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward

   My friend hates theme parks b/c he doesn't like the idea of waiting for 5 hours for 2 minutes of pleasure. And yet he still goes on dates.

   I get my daily dose of vegetables by eating animals who eat vegetables

   The girl in line behind me at the store was taking duck face pics with her phone. I didn't have any bread crumbs on me so I hit that b%$ch in the face with a loaf of french bead.

   I'd eat more vegetables if they were made of beef.

   Life is too short to buy a cheap toilet seat. Go ahead, get the good one, your a$$ deserves it.

   In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

   I'm black but not "ain't nobody got time for that" black.

   I'm not saying I abused my liver last night, but right now it's sitting under the running water of the shower & crying.

   It’s like Lil Wayne gets a tattoo for every whack song he releases.

   I'm sorry to say, I won't be on Facebook anymore,.....see there's this ticket that I played today, and long story short....I've got to go change my identity now! Bye!

   Alice on Facebook thinks getting dumped is the most painful thing ever. You’ve never caught you d*ck in your zipper, so shut up, Alice.