Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Are you worried your not getting any phone calls? #1 Place cell Phone on silent. #2 Wait about 1 hour you should get at least 10 missed calls. #3 For the heck of it now turn volume to loudest

   I would like to know exactly what makes the topless protesters mad enough to protest topless so we can do more of it.

   When I was a kid my nightmares usually involved me going to school in my underwear. Now, they involve me going to the bathroom with out my phone.

   Objects in butt hole feel bigger than they appear.

   Please promise me that you will kill me if I ever get Amanda Bynes crazy.

   every morning I tell myself this is all a dream, amanda bynes is normal and destiny's child is still together

   Amanda Bynes is the new Linsay Lohan.

   She walked into the bar like she owned the place. She was like, very concerned with potential health and fire code violations. It was weird

   I wish my grade school teachers could see how much better I've gotten at hardcore spacing out.

   *Phone on silent*. 10 missed calls. *Turns volume to loudest*. Nobody calls all day.

   Why do some people feel they have speak for God and make excuses for him? Like they are his official spokesperson. Why can't he speak for himself?

   my wife has spent all day arguing that she isn't stubborn...

   If you don't have a watch,, The quickest way to find out the time is to order a beer at breakfast with your mother.

   No, you idiot! I said 'avert' your eyes, not 'invert' them. Wow, that's disgusting!

   I hate when I'm admiring my good looks from a car's window reflection and the people inside think I'm staring at them.

   Your ex will leave you, talk bad about you, act like they never knew you, miss you, hit you up and wonder why you don't reply... F*CK YOU

   I don’t understand why some people are SO obsessed about having friends…. Last time I checked caskets didn’t come with bunk beds…. f*ck em.

   Drake music be having you missing somebody else's ex.

   99 problems.... but a blessing will come.

   Fake eyelashes are okay if they look natural, but some of you women look like you gonna take flight if you blink too fast.