Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My idea of the perfect workout is not working out.

   I'll never forget where I was the first time a girl called me 'Sir'.

   I would really appreciate it if Karma came with an explanatory note reminding you what you did to deserve it.

   Stubbing your toe is only a lightswitch away.

   I love science too. But not enough to warrant profanity.

   If my dead body is ever discovered in a church building, please know that I was murdered somewhere else and then dumped in there.

   Jesus take the wheel! No, seriously, all these signs are in Spanish and I can't read them!

   I think a Dog & Pony Show sounds delightful, but people always use that phrase in a negative context.

   Every fortune cookie should have the phone number of a gym inside it.

   Don't worry Adam Levine, most people hate your country also. It's not only you.

   Next time someone calls you from a blocked pick up the phone and say "It's done but there is blood everywhere " then hang up

   The next time you get a call from a blocked or unknown number.....Answer it and whisper "It's done, but there's blood everywhere". Then hang up.

   Me: Do you want some more toast?... 6yr old: Yes... ME: Yes what?... 6yr old: ???... Me: What’s the magic word?... 6yr old: Abracadabra?

   My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number..... Big shout out to the ex,, for pissing in my gene pool.

   It takes 17 muscles to smile but it only takes 1 finger to show the world how you feel.

   How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?

   My friend told me, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." So I hit him with a dictionary on his head - that showed him.

   sometimes I can't figure out if I'm in preschool or high school oh wait I'm at work

   Penguins probably never get invited to Pig Roasts or other cool parties because they're always dressed so formal.

   loves dating defense attorneys because they are incredibly good at getting guys off.