Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Are you there, nothing? It's me, an atheist.

   Roll up to Uhaul store, roll down all the windows, blast "I Like to Move It" until they call the police

   They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?

   I tried to make my own sausages today for the grill out. Bit of a failure though. The flames kept melting the condoms I used for the sausage skins.

   My boss and I will have to agree to disagree. He wants me to do stuff that will make him money. I want to do stuff that will get me drunk.

   I like a girl who leaves things to the imagination, like what her natural hair colour is and whether or not she loves me back.

   There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.

   internet ad: "are you tired of jerking off?" no

   I've been watching so much p 0rn I just spit on my car trunk's lock before I put the key in.

   The new Chevy Impala is cool because it comes with a popcorn popper in the dash.

   I've masturbated in the shower so much that every time its rains I get a hard-on

   I just counted 37 things at my work that I could kill my boss with.

   White w omen with weaves seriously worry me!

   Relationship status: running for Mayor of the friend zone.

   Fact: Ten out of ten people die. Don't take life too seriously.

   Funny how you can make friends with people just by liking and commenting on their Facebook posts. Then you show up unannounced in the middle of the night at their house and SUDDENLY IT'S WEIRD.

   Hey white p eople with dreads - that's quite enough of that.

   I used to think Adam Sandler is funny, but then I turned 10.

   This vodka smells like someone fat and ugly is gonna be getting laid.. *I hope its me*

   It is so hot and humid in Montreal that our dog tried to get into the deep freezer to cuddle with my daughter's a sshole ex-boyfriend.