Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when women reject me cause I don't have money. I want them to reject me for who I truly am

   I had a Doc telll me I had a fatty liver. How rude! Now I always ask my Wife: "Honey, do these jeans make my liver look fat?"

   Oh well, a friend just tried to send ricin via email!!!! He never was the brightest color in the crayon box!!

   ironic that due to all the steroids, A Rod doesn't have the stones to admit he did steroids...

   ironic that due to all the steroids, A Rod doesn't have the stones to admit he did steroids...

   Fanny packs- still better baggage than you carry.

   "Done that, done that, done that, done that & that & that" = Me, flipping through 50 Shades Of Grey.

   I find it odd that people say they are poor yet all family members have smart phones,laptops, hundreds channels on TV. Game consoles..

   I'm at my most likable before you get to know me.

   I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can't any more. My phone battery just doesn't have the stamina any more.

   any non-drinkers wanna trade a liver for some really good stories??

   I started training for a .00001K run coming up 2 years from now. It's going to be hell, but I think I can do it.

   Need to get up early tomorrow so I've set my neighbor's leaf blower for 6 a.m.

   Florida....Where America goes to die.

   Whenever I say the word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with pie!

   Corrections its Every time I leave the house: ✔Phone ✔Wallet ✔Keys ✔extra phone battery and ✔Battery Charger

   Everytime I leave the house: ✔Phone ✔Wallet ✔Keys.

   I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.

   My application to be a cop was denied. They said my 4 incher would initimadate the other cops.

   Dudes block their girl on twitter thinking she can't see his tweets. That profile with 3 tweets that just followed you, guess who that is.