Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you Google the words 'Zerg Rush'...google will Eat the screen.

   My Crocs say I'm always down for a good time but my fanny pack lets you know I'm prepared for anything.

   When I can't fall asleep, instead of counting sheep, I count all the people I have disappointed.

   I want to start a new liquor company and call it "Responsibly". Free advertising since all liquor companies advise you to drink it, and you don't need to feel guilt because you're drinking Responsibly!

   You're not damaged goods, but there is a clearance sticker on your back

   The problem with the general public is that it's made up of people.

   Why don't the post office get the Jehovah's Witnesses to deliver the mail on Saturday? Work smarter not harder people.

   We fear that which we do not understand. And spiders.

   I'm confused, why does the Gangnam Style guy want to launch a nuclear attack on the US?

   Look, I don’t even trust myself so explain to me why in the hell I should trust you?

   Unless your name is OXYGEN, I won't die if you ever leave me.

   This bar is the perfect rest stop during the long walk home from the liquor store.

   sarc my second favorite asm

   My favorite Lil Wayne song is the one where he sounds like a constipated muppet trying to list off active ingredients in Children’s Tylenol.

   If love had a smell, it would smell like pizza & puppy breath.

   Hey black guy with the geek hipster glasses, say hello to the white guy with dreadlocks.

   I don't understand why people spend so much money on dieting when you can just get lost for 3 weeks in a forest for free

   Dear Vegetarians, if you really want to save the animals then stop eating their food...

   If husbands get riding lawn mowers why haven't they invented the riding vacuum? I have just as much carpet as we do yard. He tells me we have too much yard for a push mower so it only stands to reason that we have to much carpet for me to push vacuum! RIG

   Million dollar idea: Combine a vacuum and a Segway.