Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mistakes married women make: 1. Assuming he heard you. 2. Assuming he understood you. 3. Assuming he'll remember. 4. Marrying a man.

   needs beer and a violent redhead with handcuffs

   My wife says crazy stuff like "You're addicted to Facebook," "Pay attention to us" and "How could you not notice the house is on fire?"

   To quit smoking I can either take a pill that may make me want to kill myself, or take no pills and want to kill someone else...... Conundrum

   I just found a liquor store that gives air-miles. Should be visiting the Great Wall of China next week!!!

   All of my best ideas involve jail time.

   Everyone laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian, but nobody is laughing now.

   You're either part of the solution or part of this meeting!

   If I notice you've lost weight and ask what your secret is, and you say, "Diet & exercise!" I will punch you in your skinny face.

   I don't use Facebook. Trying to convince people that my life is better than theirs by announcing every insignificant event looks exhausting.

   You put the stress in mistress.

   It's like my boss doesn't even appreciate that I'm not drinking on the job right now.

   Dad is it true that in some African Countries that a man doesnt really know his wife until he marries her? Son that's true in every country.

   Just because I like to trip children that are running through the produce aisle unattended doesn't make me a bad person, Officer.

   Just rearended a car and a midget got out. Came to me frowning and said I'm not happy so I said "Well, then which one are you?"

   Chum; It's like Hershey Kisses for sharks.

   sometimes if there is a cute girl at the register, I'll purposely purchase a "magnum" when I check out. BOOM!

   Hello Verizon... This is President Obama... I am interested in your share everything plan...

   definition of Irony: Pizza & beer with my awesome wife watching Hell'sKitchen Kitchen!!!!

   Our Father who art in Chicago. Hockey be thy name. Thy will be done, the Cup will be won, on the ice as well as in the stands.