Funny Status Messages

   Florida is for the newly weds and nearly dead

   Peeing in the bath to rewarm it for her is not as romantic as you may think.

   I finally got one of those "Stop Bullying" bracelets... I stole it off of some nerd at the park.

   The clerk at the gas station doesn't ever speak a word to me. He's currently my favorite person.

   Being too lazy to go grocery shopping is the best diet ever.

   When life gives you LIMES rearrange the letters until they say SMILE.

   Sometimes all you need to brighten up your day is to sit down and read the thoughts of a couple thousand strangers.

   Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I'd say I'm about 74% Rice Krispies.

   I don't mind that my wife yells at me sometimes and tells me "You need to stop joking around so much and be more serious", I just wish she wouldn't do it when I am naked.

   Paris Jackson attempts suicide... Didn't see that one coming.

   I went to a club and they played “The Twist”, I did the twist. They played “Jump”, I jumped. They played “Come on Eileen”…well, I got kicked out for that one.

   Tried to milk a bull once, needless to say, farming isn't for me!

   You would think with all the money Dora has, she could buy a GPS instead of relying on "the map"

   11 year old kids making Facebook accounts. What the hell are you gonna post about? 'Just got the new 64 Crayola pack......with the sharpener!'

   100% of non smokers die, just not as poor as the ones who pay 5.51$ a pack.

   I get my kicks below the waistline, sunshine,,, because that's where my legs are, and I'm pretty sure you need those for kicking.

   I'd rather live each day as if it's my 2nd to last day. My last day will probably involve a lot of blood and I'm a little bit squeamish.

   What do bricks and ug-ly f@t girls have in common? They both get l@id by Mexicans.

   Tropical Storm 2013 Tip: To avoid lacerations while looting, be sure to wear puncture-resistant silicone oven mitts when crowbarring shop windows.....

   You have not experienced crazy until you experience NYC crazy. A man just tried to sell me a book he wrote called Don't beat your kids or they are going to turn out like me. Lol