Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   █████████████████████ Take that prism!

   People that will eat food even after they seen that I've pre-licked it to claim ownership, are my only natural predators.

   I just bought a fridge magnet and it's working great. I have 10 fridges so far.

   I cut myself while shaving today, because who has time to do both?

   I always chase joggers with my car to motivate them.

   A woman can be satisfied with 3 inches.. it doesn't matter if it's Visa or MasterCard.

   Poor (adj.) When you have too much month at the end of your money

   I wish weekends went by like microwave minutes

   I'm proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don't want to hang out with you now... but I'm still very proud...

   If you have never said "Luke, I am your father" into an empty pringles can, then you probably should get on that

   Call Kenny Loggins because we are in the Danger Zone!!!

   meanwhile in Justin Biebers anal cavity. ~•　　　　~•　　　　　　　　~•　　　　　　　~•　　　　~†¢ã€€ã€€ã€€~•　　　　　　~•　　　　~•　　　　　　　　~• 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　ã

   I'm done looking for a woman, ladies quit sending me your numbers please and thank you.

   ARE YOU LOSING MONEY EVERY TIME YOU BATHE? If you're taking cash into the shower, the answer may surprise you.... Stay tuned.

   I remember when "the RAM in your computer" referred to literal rams, with horns, who turned the giant wheel that powered our electronics.

   If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore... That's how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

   Started from the bottom now I'm even lower!!

   If your coffee order has more instructions than an ikea bunk bed then you're probably an a$$hole.

   Rooney to move to arsenal? With that face, arsenal must be really willing to give up that beautiful football.

   I will never understand why women are okay with being called pumpkin.