Funny Status Messages

   Peppermint schnapps might seem like a ridiculous drink, but nobody at work ever complains about my breath.

   I hate that I liked something on facebook that "you" liked

   we have some potentially severe weather headed our way this evening. please make sure you have your emergency kit: alcohol, lube, porn, blow up girlfriend, pain pills, heroin and a football helmet. Stay safe my friends!

   Why does Rick Ross rap about cars he can't fit into

   one thing the I learn from the The Fast and the Furious movies is there is not enough cops in L.A, Miami, Tokyo and Brazil and there is no fat girls Either 

   Remember. Guns aren't illegal. We just want you to prove you're not a psychopath before you buy it.

   I'm of the impression that women have mood swings... Some women on other hand have Mood Theme Parks and they carry their baggage with them the entire way!

   GO HEAT! I don't mean the basketball team, I mean the temperature. It's so #&@^$#% hot out, I wish it would just go.

   [This Facebook status update has been deleted by the NSA due to natioanl security concerns.]

   Every branch is full of hard-working intelligent people that always has our best interest in mind...I love the way our government it run. Are you getting this NSA?

   I really just want Morgan Freeman to read me bedtime stories.

   This recliner and I go WAY back!

   Tequila and my phone formed an alliance to show my ex that I will never really be over her.

   Few things are as sexy as having that girl you like stroke your beard.

   My feelings?... I wont tell you. I don't want you to hurt them...

   The new mac pro is 9.9 in long and black...Does the white version comes in 6 in?

   Drunks, kids and skinny jeans are the only ones that tell the truth.

   Why does eating make you fat? People should’t be punished for eating. Why don’t people who wear sunglasses indoors get fat instead.

   If your name is Kristen, Kirsten or Kristin, your little game of madness is over. You're all Bob now. Understood? No more of this nonsense.

   So this guy is all like: ''Do you know the gravity of the situation?'' And I'm like: 9.81 m/s2?