Funny Status Messages

   Every other countries policy: you don't work, you don't eat! USA policy: you work, you don't eat!

   Happy birthday to Kmart. And as always, thank you for the awesome suits.

   Number one Pick Up Line for 2022: “I have a full tank of gas.”

   Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.

   I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.

   The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.

   She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

   I bought my husband a chair but the state won't let me plug it in.

   All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.

   Ever wonder what it feels like being Putin? Try my three-bean salad.

   Women who get their belly button pierced need to hang an air freshener to it.

   Cougars talk a good game until you get them in bed and it's all "Don't push my legs back too far." OK Paulette.

   When this pandemic is over I still want some of you to stay away from me.

   Sometimes I just want to give it all up and become a handsome billionaire.

   Turbo Tax is the worst computer game ever.

   Just noticed I shaved really unevenly, but it should be okay...I don't think I'll be taking my pants off in this grocery store again.

   I took lessons from a half-wit and held onto it all.

   Buzz Aldrin is kind of narcissistic. I saw him giving a speech and he said, "I am the second person to walk on the moon. Neil before me."

   If you are a new waiter at a Chinese restaurant does that make you the Lo Mein on the totem pole?

   Dude with a 2 x 4 tonight said he was gonna beat the stupid out of me,I told him to come back with a bigger stick