Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never make snow angels in a dog park.

   Actually, officer, I prefer to think that scotch smells like me.

   It's time we stop using the term "Conspiracy Theory" and replace it with "Spoiler Alert."

   I told my wife when I said I liked it rough I didn't mean my whole life.

   I find it quite humorous how many Trump humpers watched the State of the Union.

   Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam

   I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator: “You’re 24 James

   Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.

   I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.

   I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

   *throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic* Wife: Hun, I don’t think flipping the bird means what you think it means.

   This ashes to ashes dust to dust thing is why I always carry around a can of Lemon Fresh Pledge with me.

   Pfizer Claims Its Covid Vaccine Effective Against Nuclear Reaction Too.

   With a little luck, the entire 2022 Major League Baseball season will be canceled.

   I don't care how obese Trump is, I want his mushroom deep inside me.

   Are yall gonna watch Biden and the state of delusion address

   can't believe I'm finally done.. wait I'm kidding!

   I grilled a chicken for two hours, but I couldn't get it to sing.

   I miss the days when people’s biggest concern was Marilyn Manson.

   I really don't understand some people. They tell everyone to think for themselves and have your own freedom, yet they like bring told what to do by a fat, orange man. I don't want to live on this planet anymore.