Funny Status Messages
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Dear wierdo at the grocery store who bought up all the Twinkies as an "investment". Bad news, they will be back on shelves July 15th. Sorry that didn't wory out for you. Don't lose hope, maybe those Elvis Presley commerative plates will still pay off. 
I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can't wait to show them to my wife!!
All my updates this past weekend were super updates. I'm back to my regular updates now...
It is what it is and that's all that it is...excet when it isn't, then it's not.
A man is incomplete until a woman comes in his life. After that.he is finished!
Whenever I drive past the psychic's empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
I'm so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Nik Wallenda just walked across the Grand Canyon on a tightrope with no net. I made banana pudding whilst three sheets to the wind and didn't burn the kitchen down. Your move, Nik.
Nick Wallenda would never fail a sobriety test.... WOW!!
Facebook status from God: Sorry rest of World...junior and I can't help you right now...we are busy helping some loon cross the Grand Canyon on a piece of floss
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of beer. That means the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Hopefully the guy on the Skywire doesn't have to sneeze anytime soon.. Looks Dusty
I got 99 problems and walking over the Grand Canyon isn't one of them, # Insane.
This driving test is going terribly.
If I had a Burrito Supreme for every time this stupid toilet got plugged up… I probably wouldn't have a plugged up toilet ツ
"Kimye" calling their kid north west. in related news alicia keys naming her baby wherearemycar keys
No, Alicia Keys loves her piano, so her baby will be named Piano Keys ;)
Condoms aren't safe at all. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status. After 3 it should default to "Unstable"
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers inside, if it's wide, use 3 fingers, make sure it's wet and rub up and down.....Yup! That's how you wash a cup. 