Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like to think all pizzas are personal pizzas.

   Someone should check on Tyler Perry. He hasn't released a movie in like a week.

   my opinion is brought to you by the letter "F" & the letter "U"

   Finishing the Monday after vacation is like when Nick Wallenda's feet hit the ground after crossing the Grand Canyon on the Skywire

   Remember,,,, there is no I in denial

   It's hilarious how sensitive people get when you ignore them....ON FACEBOOK!

   I put apple juice in a spray bottle to use on some ribs. I sprayed it in my mouth.... Cups are now ridiculous to me.

   "We're losing her." -sanity

   i'd like to meet the person who invented sex and see what they're working on now

   I hate it when I am mistaken for someone who cares about your problem.

   tatoos must be expensive because everyone with them doesn't seem to have any money left...

   Attention nobodys...I'm not going to "follow" you on fb....unless you're Marilyn Monroe brought back to life.

   Dear wierdo at the grocery store who bought up all the Twinkies as an "investment". Bad news, they will be back on shelves July 15th. Sorry that didn't wory out for you. Don't lose hope, maybe those Elvis Presley commerative plates will still pay off.

   I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can't wait to show them to my wife!!

   All my updates this past weekend were super updates. I'm back to my regular updates now...

   It is what it is and that's all that it is...excet when it isn't, then it's not.

   A man is incomplete until a woman comes in his life. After that.he is finished!

   Whenever I drive past the psychic's empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.

   I'm so hungry I could Instagram a horse.

   Nik Wallenda just walked across the Grand Canyon on a tightrope with no net. I made banana pudding whilst three sheets to the wind and didn't burn the kitchen down. Your move, Nik.