Funny Status Messages

   You only get eight or nine chances with me. That's it.

   Hi there beautiful, can I drive you to drink?

   Why does the girl in the Wendy's commercials have Ronald McDonalds hair?

   Do you ever go on Youtube just to watch a music video and then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?

   Hey Jasper, creative genius from the Snapple half and half commercial... I'm pretty sure Arnold Palmer was slightly ahead of your "discovery"

   I do 50 sit-ups between each glass of wine so don't question my commitment to exercise.

   Hey, young parents,,, When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

   I signed up for the peace corps, but it sucks. Their definition of missionary is a lot different from what I thought when I told them on the application that is what I was interested in.

   Can't sleep. I'm too thinky and not enough sleepy..

   Its exhausting trying to look busy at work all the time.

   Relationships these days are like birthdays; once the cake is eaten, the party's over!

   the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth

   Aunt Jemima or Paula Deen?

   I bet if you're a firefly, it must be really hard to get to sleep at night with all that random flashing.

   If thought bubbles appeared magically above my head I would be so screwed.

   Remember: A butt dial and a booty call are two entirely different things.

   My favorite flavor of ice cream is yes.

   Locks of love should just visit my shower.

   The adult me is just the child me with severe lower back pain....

   Little known fact... Any uneaten Little Caesars pizza turns back into cardboard after 30 minutes.