Funny Status Messages

   Just saved alot of Money on my Car Insurance by fleeing the Scene of the Accident.

   sometimes when i'm drunk I choose the Chinese option on the ATM to challenge myself.

   If history repeats itself........I'd like to buy myself a dinosaur....

   Does anybody know how can I send an "enemy" request on FB?

   Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.

   Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I still have 4 1/2 hours of work left.

   Daylight Saving Time arrives early Sunday morning. Know what? I give it 8 months.

   People who cheat on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 23 dependents in.

   I want to lose weight but I don't want to get caught up in one of those Diet and Exercise scams.

   I had to fire my fruit delivery driver. I felt bad for letting the mango but he was driving me bananas.

   I'm not giving up anything in particular for Lent. I'm just giving up.

   My loan got approved! Next week, I will be the proud owner of a full tank of gas.

   I've accepted the fact that I'll never get back to my original weight. After all, 6 lbs. 4 oz. is pretty unrealistic.

   I'm writing a book about all the things I should be doing with my life. It's an Oughtobiography.

   Happy Drill Sergeant Day, otherwise known as MARCH FORTH!

   An old woman at the gym told me I looked like her late husband..... I'm hoping She meant while he was alive.

   From now on I will only accept apologies in cash

   Until my orange messiah says he doesn't like Putin anymore, me and my people will continue to love him and his actions.

   I called my doctor's office and told them I had diarrhea. They put me on hold.

   Never make snow angels in a dog park.