Funny Status Messages

   If exercise eliminates excess fat how come some people have double chins?

   Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

   Dear Michelle Obama. The White House is NOT like a prison. American citizens can visit prisons.

   doesn't wear a yellow hat when he goes to the zoo because he doesn't want any of the monkeys following him home.

   Dear Curiosity: Just put the gun down and let's talk this out. Sincerely, The Cat.

   If a little kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

   I once dated a girl who owned a parrot. That crazy thing would never shut up. The parrot was kind of cool, though.

   Whenever I see a bruised apple at the market, I give it a soft hug and gently whisper "Who did this to you?"

   My grandfather was one-half Cherokee. When he danced it got partly cloudy.

   Dear women, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest eat a banana.

   Whenever a bird poops on my car I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just to let them know what I'm capable of.

   Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can't pronounce it.

   According to my roommate's diary, I have boundary issues.

   Oh well, this time isn't going to procrastinate itself.

   I love that part of relationships when people don't know they hate each other yet.

   I don't make annoying passive aggressive statuses, unlike some people I know.

   Wow. The people of Egypt are really going nuts over this Zimmerman trial..

   I checked Rosetta Stone, they don't have "Black English" instruction & I don't know who to axe about it? #donlemon

   Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?

   You play your Candy Crush. I'll play with myself.