Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never trust a dog to guard your food.

   Sure, I COULD stop doing that but then I wouldn't be annoying you

   I could scroll down my Facebook newsfeed and write a country song!!

   I think you should fall in love with a terrible person and complain about it on the Internet for years.

   We spend 33% of our life sleeping, 33% wanting to be asleep and the rest apologizing to women.

   Your soulmate is out there. Crying in their car, listening to 90s rap while you waste your life with people you don't even like.

   My imaginary friend is bullying me !! (o.0)

   My middle finger on each hand has a six pack.......

   Which marketing genius at Trident thought that the Latin word for 'three teeth' would be a good name for a sugarless gum?

   Friends who buy you food are friends for life.!!

   I'd do anything for you if I can trust you with my pizza.

   If exercise eliminates excess fat how come some people have double chins?

   Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

   Dear Michelle Obama. The White House is NOT like a prison. American citizens can visit prisons.

   doesn't wear a yellow hat when he goes to the zoo because he doesn't want any of the monkeys following him home.

   Dear Curiosity: Just put the gun down and let's talk this out. Sincerely, The Cat.

   If a little kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

   I once dated a girl who owned a parrot. That crazy thing would never shut up. The parrot was kind of cool, though.

   Whenever I see a bruised apple at the market, I give it a soft hug and gently whisper "Who did this to you?"

   My grandfather was one-half Cherokee. When he danced it got partly cloudy.