Funny Status Messages

   Teachers: Want to motivate your students? When you give them back a failed test, staple a Burger King application to it.

   I'm gone to tell my little brother, that he should also pay a visit this weblog on regular basis to take updated from most recent gossip.|

   A wise man washes his hands after he pees. A wiser man doesn't pee on his hands...

   You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

   I'll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn't go all the way??

   Stupid kid fell in the well again. -if Lassie had been a cat

   Reality is a hallucination caused by a lack of alcohol.

   I'm like a mosquito in a nudist camp; I know what to do, but I don’t know where to start

   Things that interrupt sex: 20s: drunk roommate walks in on you 30s: kids walk in on you 40s: spouse walks in on you 50s: foot cramp

   The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.

   I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

   I checked with Kelly Blue Book to see how much my car was worth. They asked if the gas tank was full or empty.

   How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.

   Taco Bell is the only place where you can still get gas for $1.39.

   "You can take my car! Just don't take my gas! - Me, to a carjacker.

   Our toes look nothing like that – Camels

   Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day

   My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.

   Dear Walgreens: Please stop putting diarrhea medicine on the bottom shelf. -Everyone

   I filled up my car and it showed up on my credit report.