Funny Status Messages

   I'm at the age where it is considered rude to pull out a bottle of Ibuprofen unless you have enough for everyone.

   There’s more than one way to skin a cat but I don't think the cat will like any one of them.

   I just read that people eat more bananas than monkeys. Makes sense to me. I've never eaten a monkey.

   My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching CNN News.

   it was Selection Sunday, so March Madness has officially arrived. Twelve hours a day of college basketball — or as sports fans call it, payback for "The Bachelor."​

   My yogurt just moved. Would that be Paranormal Activia.

   The only Catholic announcements I’m interested in this week are St. Patrick’s Day Bar specials.

   You know your country is in trouble when Afghanistan sends $50,000 in aid.

   there some unwritten rule that Interstate construction needs to last 30 years?

   Next time the bank calls me to tell me I’m overdrawn, I’m gonna tell them “We are aware of the situation and are working to repair it”.

   There is no such thing as men's clogs.

   Have you ever gotten half way through eating a horse and thought .. Hmm maybe I wasn't as hungry as I thought I was ?

   Folks crying about $4 a gallon gas while in line for $6 coffee.

   Million Dollar Idea: Dinosaur Chicken Nuggets that may cause drowsiness.

   A new Lego store opened in my town. People were really excited about it. They were lined up for blocks.

   Don't ask me how to change your clock. My Betamax has been blinking midnight since 1983.

   "Taco Bell is still open. I just ate lunch there." - Vladimir B. Putin

   I'm so sick of hearing about how high gas prices are, think of something else to cry & make a meme of.

   My car was on E I put $20 in it now it's on E+

   I went into business with my parents and siblings. Our tagine is "Dysfunctional Family Owned and Operated."