Funny Status Messages
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If you reach your hand into a woman's purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you're looking for. 
Patriot, AR-15, Liberty, Taliban, Gun Rights, Tea Party, Terrorist, Religious Freedom. Oh, never mind me. I'm just stirring the pot with the NSA for when they monitor my Facebook account.
Scientists don't know why bees are disappearing, like if you keep stealing a dude's honey he's gonna be cool with it and stick around.
if you are feelimg sad and confused just remember that for milions of years, bird were the closest thimg we had to astronauts.
A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don't need to dress half nekked to get a man's attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.
Pretty sure birds wake up and spend 2 hours asking each other where the Sun is.
Can I just date your mouth?
I'd like to dedicate my farts to those people that drive slow but then speed up when you try and overtake them.
He said: I'd like to get into your pants. She said: No thanks, one a$$hole in here is enough.
I gave "Jesus" a compliment once. He thanked me three days later. Jerk.
Kids are fun to be around. Then they start kicking, screaming, drooling, crying, fighting and then you're just grateful they're not yours.
Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.
Life is a race...too bad I'm fat.
If money grew on tree's, some girls I know would date monkeys !
I'm searching flights online and I cant find a one way ticket to Poundtown.
If you don't back up and pin the doctor the wall when he sticks his finger in, it's not a prostate exam.
If the first thing you see after you die is a handbasket, check your undershorts for kerosene.
How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?
Sometimes I think people are not sacrificing everything to make me happy and I don't like it.
Every time I hear Sam Elliott narrating a commercial, the only thing I hear my head is "Don't eat the big white mint" 