Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn't he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator?

   I’m starting to think I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my own home.

   I imagine homeless people aren't the biggest fans of little dogs wearing sweaters.

   If I live to be 100, I'm going to make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people... like claim I ate a pinecone every single day.

   Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. Who has hair on their shoulders. Who's shampooing their shoulder hair. Please come forward.

   There is a fine line between being a nice guy and being a little b*tch."

   If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire that’s changed their name to Cha Ching then I don’t see the point of money.

   Wait a second! Alan Thicke's sone sings that hit R&B song? But I thought Kirk Cameron was a televangelist?

   They say milk is good for your teeth you know what else is good for your teeth minding your own business lol

   "Pew pew pew! Pew pew!" - excitable church architect.

   Whenever I see old men on the beach with metal detectors, it makes me kind of sad. Can't you vultures just let Robocop enjoy his vacation?

   im about to embark on an epic journey from a horizontal position in my bed to the coffee maker. join me on this incredible journey

   I don't get a sore throat often, but when I do I swallow every few minutes to check to see if it still hurts.

   if I was 85 years old and a cop pulled me over for speeding my excuse would be "am in a hurry before I forget where I am going"

   I think Ninja is actually spelled Kninja but the "K" is not only silent, but you can't even see it because it's F'ing NINJA!

   what idiot called it grass and not Earth hair

   Walking through my house at night makes me wonder how I survived without a flashlight before I had a cell phone.

   Bored??.. Text random numbers the following: The courthouse has your name in the newspaper for a failure to appear for jury duty this is the 24 hour number for you to check 714-319-7020. You're welcome! :)

   Shouldn't "Ninja" be with a silent "N"?

   So many things that younger generations aren't able to do now: make prank phone calls, play outside at all hours, tell time, tie shoes.