Funny Status Messages

   anybody want to LARP with me?

   Don't forget to do nothing about your problems and complain about them on the internet forever.

   Hey people still doing fireworks. My dog hates you.

   FACT: I've never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.

   Let's tell people what to do with their lives and ignore our own problems.

   Let's just eat pizza and cake until nobody loves us.

   I don’t write to please you. I write to pretend that I write to please you.

   Egypt is one of those rare countries whose "good old days" were in 2,000 B.C.

   I wish I could have a lazy Sunday but my to-do list is longer than Aaron Hernandez's rap sheet...

   Look, all I'm saying is, bears spend half of the year eating and the other half sleeping and they're doing alright.

   I wish all of you worked with me. We'd have so much fun til we all got fired.

   a MAN and woman is the only way the world can survive

   Sometimes I'm happy, then mad, then hungry and then chatty. So yes, I understand women. Great, now I'm crying.

   My idea of multitasking is getting someone else to do it.

   People are never going to stop talking are they?

   If by romantic you mean being indifferent and occasionally funny, then yes, I'm super romantic.

   Making someone happy is a lot of work. Make them question their sanity and move on.

   You're broken and I have trust issues, let's get this madness started.

   Andy Murray has done it for the United Kingdom! Yipee!!

   Married sext: I'll remember to bring my Tupperware home from work today.