Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   why arent orphans good at baseball? They don't know where home is.

   Beer is good. Beers are better.

   if my girl cheat on me she better cheat with 6 strong guys that can carry her casket

   imagine Alicia Keys complaining in the grocery store, " THIS MILK IS EXPIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRREEEEEEDD"

   Just because shes your girlfriend doesn't mean she isn't someone else's ho.

   The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. Just great. If aliens ever attack, we've already surrendered.

   Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson will be starring on everyone's TV sets very soon

   Only people who buy Corvettes are 40 year olds fearing mid life and his wifes social disabilities. Buy a real car.

   Sharknado enough said!

   Yo Zimmerman, I'm really happy for you and, I'ma let you finish, but OJ had one of the best racial trials of all time!

   JAB. If the human race had no choice as to what color a child is at birth, prejudice wouldn't exist. . .

   Its up to you if you want to feel like a million bucks or a bounced cheque.

   I think the #1 phrase that is guaranteed to make people argue is "what do you want to eat?"

   Excuse me Mr Zimmerman I know this isn't the right time but umm.. Who is that chick that sits behind you to the left?!!

   I just walked into my house and yelled "Nobody I'm Home"....I think I need a dog.

   A lot of folks are going to be upset that the Zimmerman jury didn't come to a verdict tonight. A prime weekend looting night, down the drain..

   I don't drive a Corvette because I have a small p3nis. I drive a Corvette because I'm a bada$$. I'm sorry you aren't.

   Gravity didn't seem this strong twenty-five years ago. :-/

   Twinkies are returning to the store shelves which means that people will be renewing their Jenny Craig membership in the very near future.

   My three favorite shows about murderers are NCIS, CSI, and SportsCenter.