Funny Status Messages

   I’m not wearing green today because I have a pinching fetish.

   How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?

   I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it.

   When Air Force One flies on electricity, that's when I'll buy an electric car.

   The Irish River Dance was started by a family that had 11 kids but only 1 bathroom.

   A guy at the gas station asked the clerk for $5 on pump 3. Where is he going? Pump 4??

   I was happily watching a Bermuda Philharmonic concert when the guy on triangle disappeared.

   I began to sweat and feel nauseous when I filled up my gas tank today. I must have the Car-Owner virus.

   Help wanted - Nobody wants to twerk anymore.

   No matter where you live, there’s always 1 light switch that doesn’t do anything...

   Irony: Getting a girl pregnant on a "pull out" couch...

   St. Patrick’s Day is coming. Last year, I drank an entire bottle of green beer. It turned out to be Scope.

   This isn't quite what I wanted to be when I grew up, but it was the best I could do on such short notice

   I’m at the age where I have to stop myself from roundhouse kicking someone who says they’re soooo old when they turn 40.

   Top Tip: If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.

   At the age of 101 we discovered two lumps in grandma's breast, we were so relieved the doctors discovered it was just her knees.

   Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat. No weirdos please.

   This is great! An extra hour of sunshine to melt all the snow.

   So you're telling me that when a baby crawls across the floor for its bottle it's cute, but when I do it I need an intervention?

   I'm at the age where it is considered rude to pull out a bottle of Ibuprofen unless you have enough for everyone.