Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm a better person than I was yesterday, but still not as good as I can be tomorrow

   Wine is a fruit, right?!

   I've fallen! And I can't reach my beer!

   Too many people confuse "justice" with "revenge."

   Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people.

   My life would be so much better if I was dead.

   my girlfriend says I'm great in bed because I can sleep the whole day.

   Looks like it's probably going to to be a "guilty of manslaughter" verdict. Women are emotional and probably don't want to upset the prosecutor or defense so I predict they will choose a "compromise verdict" of guilty of manslaughter.

   Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.

   a social drinker. You're having one? Well so-cial I!

   Game of Thrones is totally going to win the "Most Unrealistic Pubic Hair in a Medieval Drama" Emmy this year.

   I'm Mandela's grandson and have all his leadership skills , follow me

   Thanks for the suggestion, serving size... I've had a good laugh,, and will now make you feel stupid for being so wrong.

   "Help, I've fallen and can't get up. No, wait! It's comfy down here. Can someone pass me a pillow? And the remote

   I feel a spree coming on... Now its up to you.... Shopping or Killing?

   it doesn't matter if you don't like my personality... I have several more!

   i like that you try to compete with me. At least you have a goal...unrealistic and unatainable, but at least its a goal!

   I'm only stalking you cause I know you have an extra burger in that Mcdonalds bag.

   I'm running out of reasons not to stab you.

   Stop saying that I'm hard to shop for. Surely you know where the Liquor store is....