Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   was everyone this worked up when OJ was found innocent

   Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.

   Name your iPod 'Titanic', plug it into the computer, "Titanic is syncing", press cancel, feel like a hero.

   Monday is like canned spinach...I can can deal with it but I'd prefer something else.

   Stop screaming, lady. All I said was 'this is how pornos start'. It's just elevator talk.

   This heat makes people do crazy things... Like talk to me.

   There are two kinds of people in this world, and I don't like them.

   Your opinion does not require anyone else's to be valid...

   If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point man?

   The day is too short for all the mistakes I have to make.

   I forgot who treyvon martin is already, please dont ruin my KFC's and Popeyes.

   70% of Americans are on prescription drugs. If you find that number depressing, talk tou your doctor about Cymbalta.

   Just ate a bag of Aquitals. I mean Skittles!!

   I plan my entire day around the possibility of a nap.

   My Daughter asked if I wanted to have a tea party, so I yelled at her & her dolls for 2 hours about how I don't want to pay taxes anymore.

   Sometimes I like to go to Applebee's,,, and give them money not to bring me any food.

   If you only see one movie this summer, I suggest seeing more. Movies are great.

   JAB: Going to listen to the Rocky theme and work out, well maybe just listen to the theme for some inspiration and think about when I use to work out. . .

   My daughter doesn't look like me, but she acts like me, we both cry when we don't get breast fed.

   The fishin was so bad the mosquitos weren't even biting