Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you've made in their life. It's not me. I think your an idiot.

   Has anybody told Squirrels about crosswalks?

   In light of Dutchess Katherine going into labor Kanye West would like to remind everyone that his baby already has over 100 pairs of shoes.

   Wow, the news is blowing up with news of Duchess Kate in labor. You'd think a panda was being born.

   as my dad always told me when I did something wrong: I will kill you with the help of the thing that I used to make you with!

   Today I watched a bee land on my arm. I let it sting me while I just stared at it and said, "Is it in yet?" just to make it feel insecure.

   Advice to remember: when people say, "Word to the wise," they generally mean, "Word to the stupid."

   Today's fun: Knock on random doors and say, "Hi, my name is Current Resident, and I've been told you're the jerk who has been opening all my mail."

   The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you don't talk about, speak of, mention, discuss, or chat about Thesaurus Club.

   If anybody has a reason to be pissed at The Rolling Stone Magazine, its Dr Hook!

   Why when we goof up, we shout louder?!

   In alcohol’s defense, i've done some pretty dumb shít while completely sober too.

   I just found an old box of condoms in my dresser, than I noticed the "use by" date....... As if I'm not under enough pressure! It's been a slow year.

   My old fish didn't move around in her bowl all day. I hought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

   2 yr. daughter runs by screaming,,,,, 50 ducks chasing her,,,,, "YOU HAVE TO LET GO OF THE BREAD!!."

   Marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries.

   Sometimes girls can be funny AND hot without being psycho.... Kidding! Now come brush my hair before I burn your sh*t.

   You know it's over when she starts liking and commenting on some other guy's posts and pics.

   People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.

   My Smart Phone has more computing power than NASA did in 1969 and they went to the moon. All I do is play Angry Birds. Yes, I'm an underachiever.