Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh you find it offensive? I find it funny... that's why I'm happier than you douchebag.

   I am sorry, I can't be a part of this diabolical act. Just kidding. I'll get the shovel.

   Kanye West would be folding sweaters at the Gap right now if Tupac and Biggie were still around.

   I never win an argument with my wife, I survive them.

   It's our 6 year anniversary today. I bought her flowers, a cake and went out for dinner at her favorite restaurant. But the evening was ruined when we ran into my wife!

   Me: You have a horrible memory ... Wife: Well, I guess that's why I still love you.

   Ladies; If your boyfriend is shorter than 5'5 he's not your man, he is your minion.

   If the makers of Peeps would make marshmallow yoga mats I would totally do yoga or sit at home and eat mat all day.

   If two people are happy together... you leave them the fu&k alone.

   If America was a car, our "Check President" warning light would be on!!

   Her blackened teeth, facial hair and deplorable homemade titty tattoos reminded me once again of why our nation is the greatest in the world.

   And for my next trick, I will turn these bottles of wine into an evening of questionable decisions, off-key singing and a massive hangover. My panties may also magically disappear. Can I get a volunteer from the audience to help me?

   Being a slut won't solve your problems, it might solve mine, but it won't solve yours.

   McDonald's Management Rule #23: "The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times."

   If I were a bee, I'd give you all my honey. Then I'd be in big trouble with the queen. I'd get excommunicated from the hive..... Thanks a lot.

   Everyone suffering from diseases and natural disasters: hang in there, we're liking Facebook posts as fast as we can.

   Its all fun and games until someone drinks the beer with the cigarette butts in it..

   I'd F**k your brains out, but looks like someone already beat me to it

   I accidentally posted a rhetorical question on Facebook,,, Now I'm banging my head against the wall,, but on the bright side, I have a growing list of people to hide my posts from

   was really hoping they would name the prince Joffrey.