Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, air pressure will suck your spine out of your butt, because you forgot to wear a spacesuit....... Idiot.

   If I have ten pieces of bacon and you take five pieces, what do you have? Thats right., A black eye and a broken hand!

   My car horn sounds like I'm angrily squeezing a bath toy. Definitely NOT the effect I am going for when I get cut off.

   I have mixed drinks about feelings...

   i want to listen to you, but i'm really thinking about snacks.

   The only acceptable excuse for not being drunk on a Saturday night should be poverty.

   The most impressive miracle Jesus performed in the Bible was how he just went from 12 to 30 years without anyone noticing.

   Are raccoons supposed to be inside or outside cats?

   I bet that caveman was like "I'll teach my wife how to talk, what could possibly go wrong?"

   My new girlfriend said a small d*ck shouldn't be a problem as long as we truly love each other. This was right before she showed it to me.

   washing her laundry does not count as making her panties wet.

   I hate waiting until I'm dead. I want to haunt people now dammit.

   When someone says "You owe me one"....I just hand them a dollar and get that sh*t done with.

   Baby, does all this money make my d*ck look bigger?

   A threesome? Nah not for me. If I wanted to horribly disappoint two other people I'd go out to dinner with my parents.

   I'd say pick on someone your own size, but I know it is difficult to find someone with a 3 inch d*ck.

   Aaron Hernandez, O.J. Simpson and Ray Lewis walk into a bar... Four dead, 11 injured.

   Body of a man discovered in blue, curbside recycling bin in South Boston.... Police say body should've been placed in green, curbside bin.

   I just ate a pudding cup without a spoon (In case you want to lift me up like Simba and present me to your people?).

   Dogs: can be trained to detect bombs... Cats: can be trained to poop in a box...... nough said