Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I woke up from a deep sleep to find my very despised ex girlfriend standing at the foot of my bed...she was naked and holding a 12 pack of beer in one hand and a large pizza in the other hand...this works for me.

   Doing the "I'm thinking really hard face" when the BIG corporate boss looks at you during a meeting.

   You needn't love your enemy, but if you refrain from telling lies about him, you are doing well enough.

   Teaching my kids some nursery rhymes for the first time... Damn you Andrew Dice Clay!

   Those Blue Man Group guys need to find women. I didn’t realize it could spread like that.

   I hope someone will document at least one girl's evolution from "Toddlers & Tiaras" to "Teen Mom" to "Intervention" to "Hoarders."

   Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.

   The police showed up and used technical terms like "Stalker" and "PPO" when I thought I was leaving a "Love Note"

   "Zyzzyva, Zyxst, Zyxt..." - Noah Webster's last words

   Why is it that the Troubleshooting sections of user manuals address every problem except the one you are having?

   I'd like to invite you to stop inviting me to like your page on facebook.

   I'll bet I can do less push ups than you.

   Facebook is a great way to connect with boring people who are bad at the internet.

   Please take everything I tweet seriously because I never use sarcasm and thoroughly enjoy explaining things to strangers on the Internet

   Sylvester Stallone is in talks to make a new Rocky movie. In this one he will fight arthritis.

   Who named Trojan condoms? The Trojan Horse entered through the city gates, broke open, and loads of little guys came out and messed up everyone's day

   New documentary movie about white trash .... I only saw the trailer ....

   Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they said *how* people died.

   I'm sure you realize I know you believe you understand what I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I am trying to say....

   its not an addiction until you've blown someone for it.